Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
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Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.