Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

*at dinner table*

Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’

Her:

Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up

My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.

She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy

Judge: what’s upsexy?

[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance

i dont have time for this

Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.

“Theirye’re” problem solved

just gave your address to some spiders

Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

🐿️

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

Breakfast for Stoners:

Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.

… and dates.

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too