Well…my morning coffee finally kicked in at about 8:37 p.m.
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The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
I used to be married, but I’m better now
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.