Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
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Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I hope this email finds you in a well
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔