Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
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Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”