Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

Waiter: can I take your order?

Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT

*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?

-commercial for business cards

So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.

I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.

In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings

[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.

Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.

[Later]

Friend: Where’d you guys meet?

Me: Family reunion

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”

FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!

ABE LINCOLN: is that good

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]

I’m protesting the climate.