Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
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While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Festive toon…
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Liar is such a harsh term, I prefer Politician
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie