Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
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Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Guy: I like you.
Me: *immediately goes into a karate stance*
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.