crochet youtube is brutal
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COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition