Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
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Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]１９.９８
[very gently]
１９.９９
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]３７.８３
GODDAMMIT
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price