Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
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Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
This is always good for a laugh.
