Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[movie trailer]

IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES

*distant oinks and moo’s*

ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL

*dramatic music*

BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN

*slow piano music*

BEFORE HE HAD A FARM

*flying shot of rolling hills*

HE WAS…

*extreme close up*

YOUNG MACDONALD

[coming soon]

No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.

You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.

boss: you’re working very efficiently

me: oh thanks

boss: so I’m giving you more work

me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*

wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair

Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌

My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.

Me: This is the worst escape room ever.

Boss: This is your job.

Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.

Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.

Important reminders

Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…

“Constant super-vision”

︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

it’s not been my year

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.