Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.

If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it

I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”

You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake

I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.

Life is hard.

If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity

Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?

Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human

Jesus: Can I drink?

God: Yes

Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?

God: No

Jesus: Can I have a man cave?

God: Eventually *winks at angel*

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator

How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?

The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much

My cousin is supposedly into taekwondo but he never finished his training.

He has a belt in partial arts

4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?

(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)

Me: Do you want to look like a taco?

4: Yes!

Me: You look exactly like a taco.