Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave

My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.

I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.

But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?

governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention

If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

her: what are you watching?

me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy

her:

me:

her: are you describing sh—

me: yeah it’s shrek again

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

One of the best examples of someone posing a question that they already know the answer to is the WeightWatchers website asking me if I accept cookies.

My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.

I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”

Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.

Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*

this bad boy can fit so many waves in it

[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

All my small talk is done with a car horn.

17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute

[working late]

ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.

CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.

ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview