Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
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Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
m’lady
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
The happy life.. 😊
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.