Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
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Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie