Well played C-SPAN.
Well played indeed.
#Zuckerberg
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Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for