Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.

Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett

How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?

Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window

… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.

Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage

My Husband: Yeah, at some point

Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!

I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”

2.5 hrs later, credits…

If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

Selfie attempt: come hither look

Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm

Dollar General is too expensive for me. I’m looking for the 50 Cent Lieutenant Colonel.

Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?

Priest: We’re in Church!

Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.

Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”

My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks

Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.

I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.

But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.

People who wear cycle helmets with a little camera on the top can be quite intimidating, especially if it’s the first time you’re having sex with them

Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work

Me: Achoo!

People trying to scare me: Boo!

My bladder: I hate October.

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look

[First day as a psychic]

Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.

Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning

My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.

VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.

[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these