well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
You Might Also Like
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
operators are standing by to ignore your call
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
8: What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me: I want you to do some chores.
8: That’s not special, though. You always ask us to do chores.
Me: Yes. The special part will be if you actually do them.
what
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Nice try “Marco Rubio” — or should I say…
[rearranges letters]
“BIRAC UBOMA”
[audience gasps]
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
What if all the cashiers are married?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
My safe word is Worcestershire
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.