“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
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I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Guantanamo Bae
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Möther may I have a snäck
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire