“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
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“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
‘To do’ list:
1. grocery shopping
2. pay the rent
3. post grandma’s birthday card
4. try not to kill anyone with my death stare
5. laundry
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.