“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
You Might Also Like
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
jokes on you i can still tweet in a straitjacket
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?