“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
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We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?