Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

Fried some chicken because the 2 yr old telepathically told me we need some

Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?

8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*

sigh

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

[1st day as an animal researcher]

*tagging a bear*

Me: you’re it

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

you gotta be faster

ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral

These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.

Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’

Suuuuure

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

A great tip. #CakeRex

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

Good morning

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit

Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?

Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.

I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.

Pro tip for my good boys out there