Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
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People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
The downside of having kids is that if you touch any surface in your house you are now covered in toothpaste for some reason
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I never had kids because little kids see too many ghosts and that’s something I’d rather not know about
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”