Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
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{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
I fixed it. For me
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
⚰
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.