Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
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🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Maths meets science
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya