Well, shit
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[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.