Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
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They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
“You’re right, Harold. That is a nasty eye wound”. – William the Concurrer.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
The absolute effort that went into this omg
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material