Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!

“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.

This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great

Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.

I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.

Early Bird: *gets worm*

Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*

Early Bird: SONOFA

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.

*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*

My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.

My nephew: Ok i’ll try.

[ first date ]

her: i like a man who plans financially for the future

me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later

No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter

Theist: I can believe it

Agnostic: Just eat the toast

Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.

Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*

Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.

At least it tasted like a taco salad.

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

[IKEA-themed restaurant]

Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents

If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.