Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.

*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*

Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open

Me: No problem

Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…

The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.

don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either

Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers

Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.

VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

I may appear calm on the outside…

…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.

You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.

If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.

I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore

in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.

I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”

There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island