Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
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Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
everyone has that one prude friend
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
Ugh but profoundly