Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
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I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Breaking news:
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Just so funny
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.