Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing god save the quing
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.