Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
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I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Throwing a baby shower isn’t actually that hard. For a start, it’s much lighter than a regular shower.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
work smarter, not harder
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
The problem with parental controls is I need my kid to help me figure out how to set them up
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?