Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings

Deathbed confession

Me: We’re bankrupt

Him: What? How?

Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.

The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO

Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?

M: No, they’re never about people I know.

*writes another tweet about him*

My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

I hear police are arresting people with perfect driving records.

The charge is wreckless driving.

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

Boxing and fencing

Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences

A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.

I hope to stop crying soon.

*sees oven left on

“What moron left the oven on!?”

*tries repeatedly to turn it off

“WTF!? Stupid oven!”

*realizes 425 is the time

Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal

WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.

What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?

Single.

When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”

I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.

actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits

whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.