Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

all bases covered

It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your leg

Patient: It’s only a sore throat!

Me: I just really want to try out my new saw

Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…

Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.

I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park

Not all heroes wear capes….

A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”

I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.

Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.

Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.

I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

Her: Do you like this outfit?

Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?

Her: Changing.

Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!

Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

*lying in bed*

*drops chip down cleavage*

*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it

*also, mmmmm, breakfast*

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

[ quarantine, day 46 ]

me: this boredom is unbearable

my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you

I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?

(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house