Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.

Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

Me: A BIKINI BODY

T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?

Just after I finish this beer.

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her

men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime

Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…

You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

[after sex]

Her: wow that was loud

Tin man: I’m a bit rusty

I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream

Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!

Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!

Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?

Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old

-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid

me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar

{ 15 years later }

me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence

We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.

They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.

explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend