Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
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I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
you stereotypes are all alike
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.