Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
Xylophonist Shredding It
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
today at work this lady said “it’s too bad you don’t have a tip jar. i wanted to leave you guys a tip” i said we do have a tip jar and pointed to it and she said “oh…” and walked away 😭
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael