Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
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drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
My 8 year old daughter can already read at a 5th grade level and ignore me at a 12th grade level.
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
I think this might be relevant today.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Fat chances are my favorite chances
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!