Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
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I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…