@DaddyJew

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

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@T_N_Crumpets

Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat

@BCMontgo

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

@notfaizzy

My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!

@TheHatStore

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

@stopbylater

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

@mydmac

*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.

@SummerCandyEyes

My son asked me if mayonnaise was a mammal.

*cashes in college fund
*installs a pool in backyard

@awkwardenabled

Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza

Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?

4: I was hungry

Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?

4: because there was pizza

@TheBoydP

“Change is never easy…”

~McDonalds employees

@HeyZeus666

My boss thinks that homosexuality is a disease, so I’m calling in gay tomorrow.