if youre impressed by girls who have “legs for days” then id like to inform you that ive had legs litterally my whole life
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
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A friend will invite you for beers
A good friend will pick up the tab
A best friend will hold your hair
All three will have blackmail pics
people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
When I say to my kids “sit here and watch cartoons” they hear “come and bug me while I am trying to take naughty pictures for daddy.”
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.