Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

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if youre impressed by girls who have “legs for days” then id like to inform you that ive had legs litterally my whole life


A friend will invite you for beers
A good friend will pick up the tab
A best friend will hold your hair

All three will have blackmail pics


people are like “pokemon is basically dogfighting” but tbh if a dog with ice powers fought a ghost dog I would probably peek over that fence


[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]


When I say to my kids “sit here and watch cartoons” they hear “come and bug me while I am trying to take naughty pictures for daddy.”


Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.


I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!


*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones


A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.