Well, that didn’t work.
You Might Also Like
His flabber was gasted 😂
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Print is alive and well!!!
I would love to watch a documentary about my life, because I am VERY confused
Single worst piece of software ever invented
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Sperm Can’t Remember Why It Came Into Womb
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night