Well, that didn’t work.
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MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
Calling in noise complaints on my own home so my neighbor thinks I’m cool
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.