Well, that didn’t work.
You Might Also Like
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I think adulthood is realizing that I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Meme Monday.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”