Well, that didn’t work.
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it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
This is me
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Got him!
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Facebook memories be like
Baking is just science you can eat.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta