Well, that didn’t work.
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Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
“i’m a top” “i’m a bottom” okay well I’M gonna pop some tags, only got $20 in my pocket
Just did a 30 minute mile on the treadmill. I see a white light. Nana?!
me: i’m doing well
webmd: you may want to sit down
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.