well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
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I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman