well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
You Might Also Like
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I have half a mind to…
Ope. Stupid autocorrect. Please ignore the “to…”
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.