Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wow

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.

Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.

I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.

these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]

Guy1: What should we call it?

Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?

Guy1: Nah..

Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?

Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.

I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*

just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I

Black and white films:

MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.

Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.