Well, that should do it
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I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
subtitles are so good nowadays
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
journal
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers