Well, that should do it
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mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied