Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet

Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!

Someone:

Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?

Me: I have four, why start now?

“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.

[before cones were invented]

*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way

My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.

Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?

My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.

Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*

Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!

Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop

setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

(home depot)

frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!

Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.

give it to me straight doc what can i do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle.

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor