Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
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My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
The only thing I hate more than answering my phone is checking my voice mail messages
You see my problem here
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.