Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
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If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
it’s a van. how do they not know this
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
🤣
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”
siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”
siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”
siri google “syria where that is”
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”