Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
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Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
brain: cactus.
me: ok.
brain: touch it.
me: but it’s sharp.
brain: i know but HOW sharp.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.