COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
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I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
*pronounces fake like saké*
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools