Well. That’s not a good sign.
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Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
This guy just fulfilled everyone’s childhood dream 🤩
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
Daddy, why is grandma so bitter?
I don’t know, son; seems to run in the family. Your great uncle tasted awful