Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
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I overheard my neighbor tell someone on the phone that I was creepy.
I was so mad I almost crawled out from under the bed & confronted her.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
My love language is deader than Latin
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
😅😅😅
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.