Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
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[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Papa Bear: this is the best porridge ever? What’s the secret ingredient?
Mama Bear: remember that whiny brat that kept complaining about the temperature?