Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!
ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-
M: Archaeologists are stumped!
A: No, we have a good amount of evi-
M: Was it even humans?
A: Yes. Yes it was.
M: Perhaps we’ll never know!
A: *screams*
I peeled 5 pounds of potatoes. That’s 14 newton-meters for the Europeans
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
I can’t stop watching this.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…