Well, that’s one way to clear a train quickly.
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[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
You sure about that?
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.