Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.

[staring up at the sky]

ME: what does that cloud look like to you?

11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category

ME: well I see a corn dog

The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.

Kinda fucked that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or nothin

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool

Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2

The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.

I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.

I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”

My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

Him: what does a polar bear weigh?

Me: I don’t know

Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.

Me: so’s mine.

I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.

This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.

When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.

When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”

I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

I make her eyes roll back. Not in bed tho. I’m just annoying

her: so do you have air conditioning

me: no, only fans

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.