Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
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Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
These are too funny not to post 😂
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
Excuse me but would you sign my petition to ban asking people to sign petitions?
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
