Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?

Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.

flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane

me: this is my emotional support refrigerator

Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.

Just a friendly reminder!

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

12. I think about this all the damn time

Doormats are a gateway rug.

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem

Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.

every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

Follow me for more recipes

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

Me: OK now i need fresh fruit

Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.

Me: No fresh fruit

Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad