Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
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You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
My physician didn’t find this amusing…
What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.