Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
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Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you
me: *fires therapist*
im 7 sauces long
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.