Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
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Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Preparing for Milton by stockpiling Pop Tarts.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Just caught a glimpse of myself in a shop window and realised I’ve got my trousers on upside down 🤦🏻♂️
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
has anybody else completely lost it or is it
just me and kanye
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.