Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
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*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I can still remember that one Friday night when I had too much to drink and accidentally sexted my aunt ten minutes ago
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
How to find Kentucky on a map
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.