Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
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“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Not my job 😂
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Go hard or stay average
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.