Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks

Krampus.

Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room

For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard

I would totally waterboard you.

-me flirting

Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!

*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

I’d date me.

But mainly because I put out.

Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.

P.S. Bring a spider.

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?

[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”

Streamers say ‘mods’ the same way a medieval lord would say ‘guards’

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats

Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.

All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.

I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe

[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together

[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this

[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it

[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”

all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone