Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
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Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this