Well there goes my Wednesday night.
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I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
man: wait
time: no
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
Couple goals
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.