Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

Finally!

It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.

Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.

Dropped mother-in-law at airport.

Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.

ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.

The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess

FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.

ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.

Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.

Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

Frog purse.

When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.

In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again

[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right

Alexa: *deep breath*

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.