Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”

This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely

Selfie

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.

Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.

…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.

I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…

I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.

Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.

Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*

Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*

I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”

My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.

“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’

COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE

I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’

“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

Cop: license and registration

Me: that won’t be necessary officer

*places a glazed donut in his pocket

I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.

Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers

[getting pulled over]

ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?

MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are